Flashback Episode — Facing Conflict: Matthew 18:15-35

Of all the topics that the Bible shares, one of the most relevant and challenging topics the Bible deals directly with is the issue of conflict management. While some people might think of the Bible as only a place to receive spiritual truth, when we sit down to read what the Bible says, we discover that the Bible includes a lot of practical advice in other areas as well.

In the case of conflict management, anytime two or more people get together to do anything significant, expect there to be some level of conflict. I suspect that Jesus was very aware of this, and because of Jesus’ knowledge that conflict happens, I believe He included the passage we will focus on in our time together for this episode to help us navigate the interpersonal challenges we are destined to face.

However, while Jesus’ advice might seem to be too general, or too spiritual, the truth of the concept Jesus shares is amazingly relevant to every area of life.

Let’s read what Jesus advises. This teaching is found in the gospel of Matthew, chapter 18, and we will read it from the New Century Version. Starting in verse 15, Jesus continued teaching those present saying:

¹⁵ “If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. ¹⁶ But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you. ‘Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.’ ¹⁷ If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector.

We’ll stop reading here because I want to point out a specific statement Jesus concluded this sequence by saying. Jesus’ concluding remarks in His advice are, “If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector.” (v. 17b)

While some people might believe this conclusion warrants looking down on or shunning those who have been excluded, the truth of this idea is that God calls us to love and witness our faith to non-believers. Note also that Jesus even invited Matthew, the author of this gospel, who was a tax collector by trade, to be one of His twelve disciples. Jesus spent time with people who did not believe in God and he had positive interactions with tax collectors. Nothing in Jesus’ ministry suggests that we should push away those who we disagree with.

However, looking at the sequence Jesus shares, this conflict resolution method has more to it than simply treating people who won’t listen like the don’t believe or belong to the church; this conflict resolution has steps that build upon one another and steps that shouldn’t be skipped over.

Verse 15 begins our passage by saying, “If your fellow believer sins against you, go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again.” The first thing we must do if we have a conflict with someone is to talk directly to the person who we have the conflict with. At this point, they are the only one who can help resolve the conflict, and they are the only one who really benefits from being talked to. Talking about the conflict with anyone else before this step signals the start of gossip, and gossip erodes relationships.

If you have conversations about people while those people are not present, it tells everyone you talk to that you will talk about them behind their back as well. Someone who shares with others about a third party plants the seed in the mind of the one they are talking to that they cannot be trusted because if the person who is talking is sharing with them about someone else, they will also share with someone else the details that get shared with them.

While on the surface, people talking about others believe communication is happening, under the surface, those involved close off and stop sharing about themselves because when people gossip, trust ultimately disappears.

The brilliance in Jesus’ method is that there is never any gossip. The first step is a one-on-one conversation with the only person who can help remedy the situation, and if it works, then trust is actually built in this scenario and a friendship is strengthened.

But if it doesn’t work, then we move on to verse 16, where Jesus gives us the next step in the process. He says, “But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you.”

This next step is a scary one for most people, because it opens up both parties to scrutiny. If the one who feels wronged takes a couple individuals with them, then the tables may turn. Whoever has been chosen as a third-party to observe the conversation may take the side of the other person after hearing both sides. This actually happened to me a number of years ago, and describing this process actually bothers me for this reason. It is not pleasant to be told that you are on the wrong side of a conflict when you believe yourself to be right.

While we might be tempted to skip over this second step, we should resist this temptation because Jesus finishes verse 16 by saying that “Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.” Taking one or two people with you is necessary for step number three, because if one presents a case to a third party, then it is one person’s word against another person’s word. While it is emotionally difficult for us to do, step number two gives us credible witnesses for step number three.

Those witnessing the conflict resolution in this second step are prime candidates to be witnesses for the third step, which Jesus shares in verse 17. Jesus tells us, “If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.” This final step begins a more formal discussion about this topic with a much broader group of people, and like in the second step, it is possible the church in this case could side against the one who felt wronged. Again, there was a time – separate from the earlier case – where it felt like the church sided against me in a conflict resolution matter. I honestly don’t remember the details of what happened, and I am no longer attending that church, but I remember there being a conflict of some sort where I felt wronged.

The key for someone who is asked to be a witness in step two, or a third party juror of sorts in step number three is to objectively look at what happened, and what the one who felt wronged feels. If an apology is necessary from the one who did wrong, even if it doesn’t seem all that significant to those looking from the outside, it should definitely be recommended. If the one who did wrong refuses to apologize, even if it is a small matter, then there is likely something deeper at work in the one who did the wrong.

Apologies require humility, and humility is a vital ingredient for good relationships.

Bringing things around to where we began the discussion, “If he refuses to listen to the church, then treat him like a person who does not believe in God or like a tax collector.”

God did not call us to hate, avoid, or put down those who don’t believe in Him or those who collect taxes. He calls us to love them. Jesus loved people who didn’t believe in God, and Jesus loved tax collectors. He compliments Zacchaeus the tax collector, and He called Matthew the tax collector to be one of His twelve closest disciples. While the one who doesn’t listen to the church will be moved to the outside of the ring, there is nothing in Jesus’ words that tells us that the circle of the church is to be exclusively focused inward.

But that is another issue entirely – which we don’t have any time left for in this podcast episode. With that said, as we come to the end of another podcast episode, here are the challenges I will leave you with:

As I always challenge you to do, intentionally seek God first in your life and choose to remain humble. Always assume the best in others, and choose to apologize even if you don’t think it is necessary.

Also, continue praying and studying the Bible for yourself to learn what Jesus is like, and the sort of love He wants us to have towards each other. It is through God’s love living within us that allows us to be humble, loving, and willing to apologize even if we don’t think it is necessary. God doesn’t let minor details stop Him from having a relationship with us, and we shouldn’t let minor thinks sabotage our relationships with others.

And as I end every set of challenges by saying in one way or another, never stop short of, back away from, chicken out of, or walk away from where God wants to lead you to in your life with Him!